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How will they be read by young women who have been formed, over the last 15 years, by the very visual platforms of Instagram and Tiktok, for whom Facebook probably resembles a retirement community? In late 1990s Manila, it was vital to start a discussion about the notion that a woman enjoyed being taken by force, that the only way to have sex with a good and proper girl outside of marriage was to restrain her and rob her of her purity. The thought is appalling today.
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Love fantasy impromptu
Cosmopolitan-Philippines
August 1997
In a cramped room in Pandacan, Manila, Dulce tries to make love to Isko. It’s not easy because her live-in lover is tipsy and rough. She hates the red nylon and lace nightie that he insists she wear, almost as much as the view of squatter shacks from the lone window. So quietly she conjures her own private world -- she is on a beach somewhere in Latin America she has seen only on TV, kissing a darkly handsome man named Sergio, her hair miraculously blonde. Her guilt feelings are somehow cushioned by the relief a few minutes later when Isko rolls off and tells her how good it was.
Halfway across town, in plush Greenhills, Katrina arches her back as her husband Nonoy’s mouth travels lower and lower down her body. Though she would never admit it to her friends, Katrina has always been intrigued by soft porn -- the idea of being watched and filmed as she languidly makes love. Now, as she feels the inevitable climax drawing closer, she relaxes completely and imagines a trio of cameras rolling just a few feet from the bed, recording her every undulation.
Whether or not they do it deliberately, many women often fantasize during sex or foreplay. Most keep their thoughts entirely private, a few others share them with their partners, going so far as to create scenarios in which the two of them play out agreed roles.
“Fantasy can be beneficial to a certain extent,” says Karen de la Cruz, M.A.. “It serves to relax a person, turning sex into more than just an obligation. It seems helpful to women who are frigid or who are going through problems with their partners.” De la Cruz, a psychologist, has a couple of radio programs, one of which is called Huwag Solohin, Pag-Usapan Natin. She is also a counsellor, and has talked to people from all walks of life, some of whom have confided their fantasies to her, after an initial (and lengthy) period of reserve.
De la Cruz observes that younger, upper middle class women, Westernized in their way of thinking, are quite open about their sexual fantasies. However, women from the lower-income brackets -- secretaries, rank-and-file employees, etc. -- are hesitant to talk about, or indulge in, sexual fantasies, especially if they involve sex with a person other than their partners. The usual explanation given is that these thoughts are impure, morally wrong, tantamount to adultery even, especially if the women are Catholics. Members of fundamentalist groups are particularly averse to the idea. Another factor is the heavy burden most lower-income women must bear: at the end of the day, having come from their 9-to-5 jobs and seen to the kids and the housework, they are often too weary to do more than yield to their husbands -- and sexual fantasies require some initiative, even if they happen only in the head.
De la Cruz speaks of private sexual fantasies, saying she has never met people who fantasize in tandem with their partners: constructing scenarios, wearing kinky costumes, pretending they are someone else.
“This behavior is seen as not quite Filipino,” says Jess, 37, who claims he has had sex with more than 50 women of different nationalities and was once married to a Canadian. “Most Filipinos would prefer to fantasize alone. Acting out a fantasy seems deviant, as though you were making love with someone else, parang nakakahiya, parang hindi Pinoy, hindi Asian.” He opines that Caucasians are “better” participants because they have no inhibitions about acting it out. He himself has played Batman in full dress regalia, to his ex-wife’s Catwoman, though it is not certain whether he enjoyed it.
Jess believes that there is a gap between what men want and what they believe is proper. The former is often played out with prostitutes, the latter with their wives or partners. But despite this, most men would want their regular partners to at least try acting out a fantasy. He admits, though, that most men won’t wait, prefering to go directly into sex without using participative fantasy as a way of enhancing foreplay.
The cramped conditions of lower-income Filipino households aggravate the situation, putting a damper even on “regular” sex. Males heading full-throttle into a bodice-ripper fantasy with their partners may find themselves interrupted by a contingent of concerned citizens from the sari-sari store next door.
However, rape fantasies are not as frequent among women as popular mythology would have it. De la Cruz says only three women have related fantasies that may be said to involve force. One woman, of college age, said she was dissatisfied with her boyfriend’s lovemaking -- in the backseat of his car, pressed for time and with the threat of discovery hanging over them, he inevitably came before she did. “It would be more exciting if I were forced into it first, and then I’d make pakipot. I would like to give him a hard time for a while.” For her, there is pleasure in depriving both of them of sex and then ultimately giving in. Another, also a student at a prestigious university in Manila, said, “Ako naman, I prefer a little agressiveness. If he’s too gentle, he seems too soft. I don’t feel his touch anymore.”
Perhaps it is because virginity, and the qualities of aloofness and reserve in a woman, are given such a premium in this society that many women tend to fantasize about being seduced or pressured into sex. This does not necessarily mean that they would want to be raped.
For fantasies may turn violent, triggered by drugs or alcohol or bottled-up anger. When a man, or, in some instances, a woman, carries the fantasy out in real life, irreparable damage may result. Or, inebriated, a woman may end up being victimized by a person with whom she has no relationship, as she or he plays out a fantasy.
Another instance when fantasizing can do harm is when the person is very unstable -- has a lot of pent-up rage or has a manic-depressive personality (she can be deeply crushed when unrealistic expectations are not met).
De la Cruz says there is always a goal in the “visualization” exercises she teaches her counsellees: improvement of the relationship. But a person may be unclear about her goal. A woman not in love may force herself into something she subconsciously doesn’t want. Visualization may be used not to aid a relationship but as a means of concealing a problem (such as infidelity) or of denying the existence of another problem (such as basic incompatibility). In these cases the best thing would be to break up the relationship.
But if used well, sexual fantasies, whether or not they occur during lovemaking, can relax a couple mentally and physically and strengthen their relationship in the sexual aspect. Both partners wind up satisfied.
Anyone may try the visualization techniques that de la Cruz uses to help women, especially the frigid ones. First she asks them to think of a person, real or imagined, that they feel comfortable with. One of the first stumbling blocks that her counsellees must get over is the idea that it is not wrong to fantasize about someone else at first: sometimes women freeze up when they insist on putting their husbands or partners into the fantasy. Others get worried because the face of their partners turns into that of another man. In this case, it could be because they’re forcing themselves to think about their partners exclusively. The thing to do then would be to work at strengthening the relationship with their partners.
Second, de la Cruz asks her counsellees to situate the fantasy. Third, she asks them to identify the most satisfying thing they expect from the mental encounter. Fourth, she helps put them in a state of relaxation through breathing exercises, allowing their minds to take care of them for as long as is necessary. Many women have told her that as they entered into more intimate acts -- kissing for some, full intercourse for others -- the face of the fantasy partner becomes that of their actual partner.
Lastly, she asks the women to think about how they felt during the fantasy, and to anchor themselves onto that good feeling. The women who do keep in touch with her swear that the technique works, that they have become less “distantiated” from their partners. Eventually they learn to summon up fantasies on their own. It goes without saying that their sexual relationships improve as well.
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